Yelp Review: Palo Verde Behavioral Health (Tucson, AZ) 

Cute cactus decal on the signage outside. Easy to find. Appreciated the attentiveness of the intake nurse and the chaperoned journey from ER to residential wing. Long wait time before admission. Make sure you write down phone numbers of folks you might want to call, because there’s only one phone and it’s in the hallway and (duh) you won’t have access to your cell. No windows. No outside rec time, even though it’s written into the (POSTED IN THE HALLWAY) schedule two to three times a day. You should have been able to breathe fresh air, see the titular PALO VERDE TREES of the courtyard, twenty-seven times during your six-day stay, but you’ll settle for twice. Puzzles in the game room are missing several pieces, which seems mean. Staff is mostly kind. Visitation hours allow for big groups; people tell you you have a nice-looking family (none of them were family). Billing staff willing to work with you to create a payment plan after discharge. This is helpful, because after this, you will NEVER WORK AGAIN. 

 2.3 stars 

 

 

Yelp Review: Tower Five, Madigan North (Joint Base Lewis McCord, WA) 

Incredible view of Mt. Rainier from the bedroom window, but you will have a roommate. (She’ll be young and pregnant and scared of sharing a room with you, because you are thirty-four and have a wife, and she doesn’t want to be made a wife of). Good variety of meal choices. Did not appreciate the nurse barking at me to pull my shirt out from under my titties, what did I think I was doing, but they keep it too hot in here and you won’t let me have a bra and something had to absorb all that sweat. God, it’s not like I was trying to look sexy. Liked it when she did the Pee Wee Herman during group (prompt: name a dance move, then someone else has to get up and do it), and when we all got to share what our favorite recent movies were. Appreciated that they dimmed the lights when I got a migraine during intake. Fully covered by your – or your spouse’s – military healthcare. (Thanks, American tax-payers!) Would stay again. 

 4.0 stars 

 

 

Yelp Review: Bryan West Mental Health Emergency Department (Lincoln, NE) 

Did NOT find the squat-and-cough necessary OR helpful to my mental state. Also don’t appreciate the photo ID from that day that now shows up whenever I have a doctor’s appointment elsewhere on the campus. Food was OK. Private room was A+++; would stay again. (Don’t remember as much about this one.) 

 4.2 stars 

 

 

Yelp Review: ECT Clinic of Dr. Gary Nadala (Lincoln, NE) 

Y’all. They will let you order any kind of food you want for after you wake up! Whole wheat toast with butter, three slices of extra crispy bacon, fresh fruit salad (pineapple, cantaloupe, honeydew, strawberries), large black coffee — that’s my regular order. (Pro tip: Your jaw will probably hurt after the treatment, so don’t order anything too crunchy or chewy.) 

 

Don’t make the rookie mistake of arriving freshly showered. If your hair is wet (or even damp), the thingies won’t stick. The staff will have to scurry to find a hairdryer, and you’ll end up bent over in front of the hand dryer in the entryway bathroom instead. 

Dr. Nadala wears cute shirts that his wife buys for him – button-ups with llamas or limes or bicycles. Comment on them, and he’ll smile shyly and maybe even blush. Ask him if he’s been able to see family back in the Philippines lately. Ask if he’s tried the new Hawaiian-Filipino restaurant in Omaha. Tell him you love their ube ensaymadas. It’s important to build rapport, help remind them that you’re a person. This also helps you feel like you’ve got some agency in the process. 

 

Game time: You’ll have to re-state your name, what procedure you’re having, and who the doctor is. Safety check! (What happened before to make this step mandatory? Don’t think too much about it). Dr. Nadala signs his name to the order with a fancy-nibbed pen, re-caps it, and sticks it back into his breast pocket. Then the anesthesia makes a high-pitched wheel-squeaking sound when it starts; you can watch its creamy liquid spiral through the tubing and into your arm if you like. Again: attention to the details helps you stay in the present moment, helps you feel less dis-embodied. Your scalp will start to feel like it’s full of fire ants, but not necessarily in a bad way. Sing “Strawberry Fields Forever” in your head as the static closes in. Breathe shallow when they tell you to take deep breaths, and maybe you can stretch out the slide downwards a little longer; but you’re too good a patient, too good at following instructions, and you breathe deeply anyway. 

 

Wake up to your name. No telling how long they’ve been saying it. (You always try to note the time on the clock before you go under, try to remember so you can do the mathematics of time passage when you wake, but you never ever can). When you realize later that you’ve pissed yourself and apologize, they won’t make it a big deal at all. Some of the nurses will even remember that you tend to piss yourself, and next time they’ll have an adult diaper ready and waiting for you (folded discreetly) upon your arrival to the clinic. How’s that for service? 

 

Word to the wise: hydrate well the day before your appointment, especially if you’re a hard stick. This will make it easier for them to set the IV. Maybe this is why you piss yourself, but better to wake up soggy after 1-2 needle sticks than stay dry after six. There are things you can do (diapers you can wear), workarounds, hacks, treatments to consider for the aftereffects of the treatment. 

 

Someone else will need to drive you home (first your spouse, but after she leaves you, a good friend will do). The front desk will call them for you once you’ve started to wake up. 

 

You’ll want to shower soon — that conductor gel stays in your hair, even if they wipe some of it away with the washcloth they’d pressed earlier between your teeth. Think “There’s Something About Mary”-level stiffness to the stuff matted into your crown.

 

If you have a cat, bring them to bed with you. 

 

Don’t make any big purchases or life decisions the day-of. Try to stay off Amazon, or if you can’t, just put items into a wish list instead of into a cart. Don’t drive anywhere. Arrange for someone else to pick up your child from school. If they can, have them stay to keep him company, make him dinner. You’re going to want to rest. 

 

You’ll lose a day. But in the long run, I think you’ll agree, it’s worth it. 

 

Treatments to date: 34 

 

Days since last treatment: I don’t know, it was February something? 

4.8 stars